Valentine's Day Breakup? Heal it With Cheese: Fondue

This Valentine’s Day, my head is on healing. When JChef and I had our final break-up in October, I checked myself in to a forced recovery program: Dating Probation. Until I had a few months to heal, I was not allowed to date. I graduate on Valentine’s Day.

You see, I don’t have any friends who have recently broken-up; everyone’s married or committed to non-committal. No one was close enough to the piercing pain of a break-up to sympathize. Although they could listen, they couldn’t feel it.

It’s not their fault. If we’re lucky, we are given mental blocks in life, so that we can reengage in the world without excruciating memories. If my friends were able to remember the searing pain of a breakup, the kind where you lay sobbing on the floor until your dog licks your tears because you’ve been so busy crying you forgot to give her food or drink, well then they’d never be able to try again and become the happily married people they are today.

One friend suggested that I do a little web research on the grieving process. This sounded hokey and lame, but cheaper than a shrink, so I gave it a whirl. Turns out, this grief research provided me with a fairly accurate roadmap of the five feelings I would be experiencing for the foreseeable future: anger, denial, bargaining, sadness and acceptance. Since I knew what I was in for, when I had these feelings I could welcome them, offer them a cup of decaf and make friends, as opposed to having them throw a saddle on me and ride me until my knees bled.

Without boyfriend, dates, and a complete lack of desire to hang out with anyone who wasn’t in my 5-step program, I had some extra time on my hands. I bought an IPod and realized that without a boyfriend around to make fun of my taste in music (you can take the girl out of Long Island…), I could rock out with the audio fromage I love. Barbara Streisand, Aretha Franklin, Dusty Springfield, Donna Summer and I started spending a lot of time together.

The gals and I got down to business fast. I would sit in my living room, invite Aretha, Dusty, Donna and Babbs over and we would bitch. We'd start sad (like in the beginning of Enough is Enough or Last Dance), then suddently we'd be standing up, some disco globes would drop, we'd start jumping on the couch dancing and lip synching (except they'd really be singing), and then Tom Cruise would walk through the door, talk about completion and everything would be OK.

My rehab was no longer about JChef and me, it was just about a deep aching love that transcends and departs. It wasn’t me, it wasn’t him, and I wasn’t alone. And then I realized that the songs I loved most were the ones that mapped to the precise stage of grieving that I was experiencing. But don’t take my word for it – go grab your IPod and give 'em a listen:


DENIAL: ANOTHER PIECE OF MY HEART
Janis Joplin / Dusty Springfield

This is the phase where you pretend that you’re not pretending that the break up isn’t happening. In other words: he's telling you it’s done, and you go on acting like it's not.

And each time I tell myself that I, well I can't stand the pain,
But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again.

Take another little piece of my heart now, baby,
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah.
Hey! Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, yeah.
You know you got it if it makes you feel good.


DENIAL: AND I AM TELLING YOU I'M NOT GOING
Jennifer Hudson

This song defines the phase.

And I am telling youI'm not going.
You're the best man I'll ever know.
There's no way I can ever go,
No, no, no, no way I'm livin' without you.
I'm not livin' without you.
I don't want to be free.
I'm stayin',I'm stayin',
And you, and you, you're gonna love me.
Ooh, you're gonna love me.


BARGAINING: DON’T LEAVE ME THIS WAY
Thelma Houston

Bargaining has no dignity. It’s the phase when you start thinking if I only downloaded more Johnny Cash and less Donna Summer, then maybe he’d come back. When your friends hide your cell phone and your car keys, and all you want to do is beg him back, you're in bargaining. Remember, it’s the stuff you’ll regret.

Don't leave me this way
I can't survive, can't stay alive
Without your love, oh baby
Don't leave me this way, no
I can't exist, I'll surely miss your tender kiss
Don't leave me this way


BARGAINING: HEAVEN KNOWS
Donna Summer

Heaven knows
it's not the way it should be
heaven knows
it's not the way it could be
don't you know
there's no need to leave


ANGER: I NEVER LOVED A MAN (THE WAY I LOVE YOU)
Aretha Franklin

Anger is my favorite phase. It’s when you smash glasses, break windows and start considering the lyrics to Carrie Underwood’s Before He Cheats as a recipe for sanity. Enjoy the aggressive passion; sadness is just around the bend.

You’re a no good heartbreaker.
You’re a liar. And a cheat.
I don’t know why I let you do these things to me.

My friends keep telling me.
That you ain’t no good.
Though lord, they don’t know
That I’d leave you if I could.


SADNESS: COLD COLD HEART
Norah Jones / Hank Williams

Put down the prozac. You’re not depressed; this is situation-based, and you will come out of it. Fill your NetFlixs queue with every last cheesy romance movie, buy a lot of salty snacks and ice cream and a case of wine. Call in sick to work for three days. Sadness is here, and it won’t leave until you give it the attention it needs.

I tried so hard my dear to show that you’re my every dream.
Yet you’re afraid each thing I do is just some evil scheme
A memory from your lonesome past keeps us so far apart
Why can’t I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heart


ACCEPTANCE: SOMEONE THAT I USED TO LOVE
Barbra Streisand

This is the most heartbreaking of the phases, because if you're here, it’s almost over. There’s a deep tragedy when that ex calls you up, wants to give it another spin, and you know that you just don't have it in you. This is the one I keep procrastinating.

I wish it was enough for you
All the love i had to give
And i did my best
To keep you satisfied
I guess you'll never know
How much i tried
I really tried

And if ever our paths
Should cross again
Well, you won't find me
Being the one to get lost again
Once I had so much to give
But you just refused my love
From now on you're only someone
That I used to love


CHEESE & BEER FONDUE
Allison Fishman for The Wooden Spoon

To accompany the cheesy movies and music; try a cheese fondue. It's finally snowing in New York (and who knows how many more years it will), so this is the time for it. Follow this simple beer and cheese fondue, or try a more classic fondue recipe that I did for Handmade TV. Both are wonderful; the second one is slightly more complex. Like walking up that second flight of stairs, it’s worth the view.

1 (12-ounce bottle) dark or amber beer
1 garlic clove, smashed
1 pound coarsely grated gouda cheese
3 tablespoons cornstarch
1/4 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

1. Add beer and garlic to a medium saucepan or fondue pot over high heat; bring to a simmer.
2. Meanwhile, toss gouda with cornstarch to coat. Slowly whisk in grated cheese to beer; continue to whisk until all cheese has been added, and fondue is thick. Season with Worcestershire sauce and black pepper, stir to incorporate.
3. Pour fondue into pot, and ignite heating element on fondue set, according to manufacturer’s directions. Serve with your favorite foods for dipping (see tip below).


FONDUE TIP: Serve whatever you’d like with the fondue, though slightly-stale bread cubes are the classic accompaniment. Try ham cubes, grape tomatoes, a variety of colorful bell peppers, broccoli and cauliflower.

BREAK UP TIP: If you made it this far, chances are that you’re either my mother, or you were just dumped too. If you’re the latter, I highly recommend you indulge yourself with Ira Glass’ break-up show. As with most of Ira’s work, it’s incredible. A big hug to Andy for sharing this with me and for loving radio maybe even more than I do.